Hello. You may not remember me, even though throughout my life I am constantly surprised by those that do. Even though I have had such compliments such as being sexy and attractive I find on this day I am once again seeking to validate my existence through another's eyes. It is Valentine's Day and I woke up thinking of you again, and even though I know I ruined everything through my insecurity and self doubt, I had the fleeting thought of knowing in my heart that are the one I should be with no matter what in this life time.
I decide to go to this singles party anyway, thinking of finally filling the void that was left when I pushed you away. After trying on many different themes to represent the life I have lead, I choose an all black ensemble, as if I'm going to a funeral, I think in retrospect, with a red tie. Blood red, thinking that the black can represent the shadow of a life I have led, and the red to tell of how my heart would never stop hoping. How will anyone understand this one from one glance, I cannot say.
As I am driving to the party, I start losing myself in thoughts of you, driving faster than I should around various curves, lost in daydreams of what could have been our life together. I didn't notice the other car at all, and barely heard the honking as my vision finally focuses not on the delusions of one who loses all that is important to him, but on the car, that is directly in front of him, closing the gap at a ridiculous speed. Luckily, with a slight twist of the wheel and a tap on the brake I am able to correct the issue and avoid colliding even on these snowy roads, and am able to escape a certain fate of death with just a honk and a finger. The good finger that sometimes is mistaken for meaning your number one.
One can imagine what the party is like, me walking around drinking, being inept at greeting anyone, and as if I was the a source of all the discomforts of the world, not being greeted much either. I take this solitude in a crowd of people as long as I can, knowing that all the while I am thinking of you and no one else. Yet, it ends as all gatherings for me do, me tucking my tail between my legs, and deciding it's best to go home anyway, seeing as life and love have conspired to deny me any sense of happiness on this day yet again. Shou ga nai, I say. If you don't know it means, it can't be helped.
I go home and e-mail you, saying how much I miss you. You respond ever so quickly in the same vein, and feel that maybe life and love decided that I have lived long enough in seclusion and decided to pardon me from the sentence of isolation from the very things that make living life so good. As the days go by we talk more and more, gradually becoming one heart and mind on many levels, and finally understand that what is meant to be cannot be avoided, and we thank everything that is greater than we are for this chance. When the summer comes, we decide to meet and I buy a plane ticket to come and see you, and when you meet me in the airport, we are so excited we cannot speak a word. We decide all things can be expressed if we just hold each other for a while.
You show the place where you live. Your city, your house, you introduce me to all the vices that come with being part of a society, your favorite places to eat, where you shop, the beach. I get a small job and we spend our summer, laughing and getting to know one another. Our favorite moments our lying under the stars, flat on our back holding hands, watching the heavens race past our very eyes. Even after the summer ends we promise to spend many more like it, and we do, because of the obvious fact that we belong together, and we decide that we want to be husband and wife.
We do get married and honeymoon for two weeks traveling and seeing all the things one could want to see in this world. We kiss and make love as though all the moments of our lives were only the stepping stones leading to this one. After we both graduate from college, you decide on a career in music and join the London Symphony Orchestra, and I get my Master's degree and teach online classes so I can travel with you, and hear every last concert you play in. Our first child is a girl, and I let you name her, as I am hopelessly prone to naming everything with a Japanese name, yet I walk away with the promise to ruin our second child's whole life. We both become witnesses to both of our children, the second being a beautiful boy, first step, though I missed his first words. We raise them on biblical principles, and find them to be intelligent and thoughtful. We see their first day of school and feel the fear of letting them go for the first time. Our daughter likes to draw, and our boy loves baseball. She confides in us about liking a boy, and our son eventually thinks he is in love though it does not last, but he does come to understand that it is a part of life which cannot be avoided. When they go off to college, we both start to travel again, reliving old memories, loving in new places. Our son gets married right out of college, while our little lady is much more prudent, knowing the truth about men and their goals. We treat our first grandchild to an immaculate reception to life and spoil him to death, just to send him home to his parents. We live our lives to the fullest, love to the exteme, laugh like we are insane, and cry with tears that represent all the happness two people can ever have in this world. We grow old together, and there is nothing more that we wanted, but to be together to the very end.
I am the one to fall to old age first, deciding I want to spend the last of my days in the room where we first made love, overlooking the beach, where the sunset rests it's head. As I lie there, with you sitting next to me thinking of all the joy that the days have brung us, I see such a sad expression upon your face. I ask you not to be sad, to just hold onto those memories, and think to tell you of that night of the party, the one that changed everything for the both of us. I don't understand why you look away, into that sunset, or why tears well up into your eyes. I try to tell you, that if I had died that night, none of this could have been, our lives together would never have had happened, and we should be grateful for every moment that we have had. Oddly enough, you look at me with that same expression, touch my face so gently like many times before, and you say, "Oh honey, you did die that night. Your dreaming my love."
"Oh", is all I can say. And she was right. I finally open my eyes, my body is numb from the snow on the ground. I open my eyes and there are people kneeling over me asking me question I cannot comprehend. I turn my head to see what is left of my car, and the other one that was headed towards me. Due to my reaction of tapping the brake and turning the wheel, I had succeeded in avoiding a head on collision, to only turn the drivers side towards the impact. I see two people holding each other, the woman is crying, they appear to be dressed for a night out on the town. I don't quite understand in one glance what their clothing scheme represents, but it seems to mean that they love each other. I think to myself that it is so good they weren't hurt.
As my body suddenly starts to feel warmer, I realize I never made it to that party, I never e-mailed you, and thanks to a twist of fate, I will never know if that dream could have been real and as the darkness reaches out to take hold of me, as those who kneel over me trying to preserve a life I had since given up on since losing you, begging me to hold on, I let go. In those last few seconds before I retire from what was otherwise a wretched existence, I go back to that room, back to that life I led, you welcome me back with a kiss, I touch your face also, and smile. You lay down next to me, holding each other tightly as ever, and the sun sets.
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